Novena of Grace - Day Five

Day 5. In the middle. In the very middle. Four days of the Novena are in my past. Four days of the Novena are in my future. This day: the very middle. The eye of the storm.

Random thoughts about Day 5 of the Novena of Grace here in Spokane....

One of the days, I helped an older Jesuit with his walking crutch get through the mammoth church doors. He couldn't make his way. No one but me noticed that he needed help. My heart hurt, watching him try to cope on his own. In turn, nobody helped me, though I needed someone to hold open the second door. I had to instruct someone to help. She did. He thanked me. Another woman behind me, already outside, told me to be careful - that I had almost toppled over backwards down the outside steps as I was helping this man get through the doorway. I said it was chaos for everyone. I didn't want her to feel bad that she hadn't helped us out initially.

Other random thoughts....

A friend of mine told me a story of a little soul who was in heaven. He decided that he would like to be incarnated on Earth, and that the one thing he would like to understand was the concept of forgiveness. So he went to God and asked for the privilege to be incarnated with the goal of learning all there was to know about forgiveness. God granted his request. The little soul ran home, thrilled about his upcoming adventure. His little neighbor soul asked him what all the commotion was about. The little soul told his friend what God was letting him do. The friend thought about it for awhile and then said, "I'll tell you what I can do. I can ask to be incarnated as your father who beats you every day, so you can learn how to forgive me." The first little soul looked at his friend. "You would do that for me?" he said....

Other thoughts....

The sermon on Day Five spoke much about voices - about having a voice and speaking the truth. That sometimes people want to silence the truthteller, like when the townsfolk thought of killing Jeremiah because he kept saying unpleasant (but truthful) things, but there can be no silencing of the truth, no matter how unpleasant it sounds. It helped me immensely, to hear those words. I really do like this priest. Egads.

What he said at the end was powerful too: he had been talking about leadership and its potency, and how St. Xavier had written a letter saying that the duty of giving orders is a dangerous thing to give to those who are imperfect (or something like that)... and I thought yeah, yeah, the burden is great on all you ministers to be leaders of the flock... and then he spoke about leadership of this parish, and said that everyone is a part of it - that all must minister to each other. That this is not one leader, but many. These are big words, I think. They are not words heard often, regardless of forum. That the leader wants to share leadership like that.

Last random thought....

Towards the end of the service, I had a fleeting thought, that I sure do love the Catholic church. It teared me up. I'm so tired of crying this week.... This time I had tears because I was sad that I feel so compelled to be a broken record and rail against the workings of this Church when I love it too. And how can it be that this Church - that does not even belong to me - is a Church that I love? (with its history and its saints and its Holy Water...)

I do not love the Church's structure. Nor do I love a lot of the Church's teachings. I could never convert - they wouldn't have me. Seriously. They couldn't. I say "no" to too many of the teachings to be allowed to convert.

The root of my love is in the Church's ancient beginnings - in the stories of Hildegard de Bingen and Joan of Arc, of Michael and the other archangels. It is in the rituals that hold sacred power. It is in the people who have befriended me. It is in the priests who I have met individually, who have been true men of God. I have seen God in them. This has been my fate - to rail against Church structure, but then to meet its many good people and priests, one by one....