Saturday, February 27, 2010

Feel Better

Don't quite know what's kept my energy low these past couple of weeks... probably a touch of the flu, amongst other things.... I'm taking a bunch of iron, in case it's a resurgence of anemia... I vow to fight back, if that's the threat.

Then last night, I had a dream. In the dream, my older sister and I were methodically going through this and that, and then it turned out that my younger sister - she was still a young kid, in the dream - had been left to do all the dishes - she had done them, alone - and worse still, none of us had been there to see a drawing she had done...

When I realized (in the dream) - horror on horrors - what we'd left her to do, I rushed in and felt neglectful and wanted to see what she had drawn. "Let me see," I said, hoping I could make up for lost time. "See?" she said - "can you see the spider?" I was so busy assuring her that I could, that I didn't really notice the drawing... but then realized I did her no favors by rushing through this make-up time, so focused in on the drawing, finally, and saw it was a drawing of a young woman who had a spider web near her hands, delicately drawn... I couldn't quite see the spider yet...

And then I woke up.

My first thought, in my groggy state, was: are my sisters okay? Then: are we connected enough? And then: it dawned on me... I realized... it was also one of those dreams where everyone in it represents me... and the younger of me - still a kid - was being left with all the burdens.... the dishes, and no one to see the drawings... which happens, I suppose, when there's a lack of vitality - as I've been, off and on, these past couple of weeks....

But then, why burden the child with it all? Of all our pieces, isn't the child in us the one place where we can feel joy, whatever else we are feeling? Even in illness, can't she be allowed to feel joy?

Ah, and the spider. This was the clue that this was me. In each sister, in the drawing itself. For it is the spider that is the storyteller. It is the spider that weaves the tapestry of our lives. And it is the story that brings me that childlike joy. Or is it my child's joy that draws the spiderweb?

Hello, Charlotte. How's that web of yours this morning?

And then, almost unbeknownst to me, "Hallelujah" - as Justin Timberlake sung it, at the Hope for Haiti telethon a few weeks ago - starts sounding in my head... so gentle, no fan fare - "hallelujah," I hear in my head - "hallelujah" - hallelujah.. it sounds, fades, re-surges...

and hearing it there, remembering it from then, I have tears - and I think of how un-gentle we are, we all are, can be, so often, many times, with ourselves, with each other, without even really knowing or realizing what we do...

yet somehow, there can still be song...

photo credit: Ana Santos, found here

Here is a link to Justin Timberlake and Matt Morris singing Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah" at the telethon: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OfYmMt92Otg

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