And even with it all mapped out as best as I can do at this moment in time - so I should be feeling solid and clear - I still had the dream.
It was Tuesday night. I'd just gotten to El Paso to visit my mom and family for the Thanksgiving holiday. My computer was at the repair shop - symbolic, I thought, of me really just taking the whole week off. I mean, how in the world can I work on much of anything without my computer? I thought I was doing well. It was a healthy thing, to let go of everything for a week.
But then, that night, I had this dream. In the dream, a person that I know - well meaning, but on the negative side - had lent me her truck, as I needed transportation. But there was no gas - fuel, get it? you know, like energy - in the truck, so I went to a gas station to buy gas, a simple process, until I realized the gas tank was somehow broken and shut off, so there was no easy way to get gas into the truck. Some people came by to help me - very nice, enthusiastic people. They took the nozzle from me, aimed it at the truck's gas tank, and just gushed out fuel towards the truck. In their defense, a little bit of fuel did get into the truck, but most of it just sloshed on the ground, and I watched the cost just go up - $20, $30, towards $40 - and I said, wait, wait, wait. This is not working. I'm going to need another vehicle. I'll rent one if I must, but this is just not working.
When I woke up, I knew exactly what I had to do. I had to change my attitude. For as much as I have had a plan, I have fretted and worried about it every day. I have good reasons to worry - and it's always good to adjust if new information arrives - but my subconscious was telling me in this dream what I was trying to deny during the day: that my worrying was keeping my energy down, and I needed to choose a new way of getting from here to January, and beyond.
That night, we went to a pre-Thanksgiving church service at Cristo Rey, the downtown Lutheran church here in El Paso. It was a bilingual service, which was so much fun - I do speak Spanish, though no longer fluently - and there was great, fun music, and there was Holy Water, which I also love (you can tell you are in Catholic country when there's holy water at the Lutheran church). The sermon was on leaving your worries behind, and having faith in the process from here to there. Hmmm. A little bit of a dovetail there.... The church itself was having a heck of a harder time than me - 17 of the congregants have been seized by immigration, breaking up families, and the church is struggling to raise the finances to keep going - as do all churches when serving poorer communities, but 2009 is worse than other years - so that things like their after-school program - helping kids keep safe, and out of trouble - are at risk. And yet here was this sermon, about keeping the faith. Giving thanks for both the good times and the bad. Because what does worry get you, anyway? (I know, I know - it gets you a vehicle that shuts you off from the very fuel that you need to keep going.)
After the service, we had a Thanksgiving dinner, which the church had made as a way to greet all its visitors from all over town (from the "other" Lutheran churches), and it was great and wonderful and such a heartwarming experience. We did donate some money. I know it will be used well. Pastor Rosemary, the leader of Cristo Rey - what a great lady. And passionate about what she does, and believes.
And between the dream and the service, I decided to change my attitude. But if I wasn't going to fret, where was I going to put my energy? I figured my dreams could fill me in. And oh my gosh - these past few days! I've dreamt about making movies, and writing movies, and everything in between. I'm almost exhausted, I've been so busy at night! In one dream, we were filming a part of the baseball story - the bus crash part - and I saw some close up angles, and heard a narrator's voice... It was so, so real. I could see it. It really is time for all of this to move.
So I guess I should put my energy towards what I want, and not what worries me. That's a vehicle that will take me places.
photo credit: Nam-ho Park, found here